A case of stolen identity

Is that the sun??!

Oh my days, what a week!

I'm not quite sure where to start, well I am actually - cue rant.

This week, I discovered I have an evil twin. I didn't know about her, in fact had a friend not told me, I'd still be none the wiser, and she'd be off causing all manner of chaos, parading as little old me.

I shall explain.

There I am, chatting to a friend on Facebook, and I'm asked why I have two profiles. Er, I don't, why would I? So in all innocence I say exactly that. Yet no, he tells me he is friends with me twice. Thinking this is all very odd, I go off to investigate. Well I ain't no Poirot but it wasn't difficult, and yes, he was right, he was indeed friends with "me" twice. Some weirdo had decided to create a fake profile and pretend to be me. I should be pleased really - immitation is the greatest form of flattery, after all.

I don't know if this has ever happened to any of you, but seeing yourself staring back with an almost right date of birth (although they'd made me a year younger, so thanks for that), and a single relationship status that all manner of random Turks had 'liked', is a bit creepy. I couldn't see the rest, which is probably a blessing.

Now, as I said before, Poirot I ain't (for those of you that don't know, he's some weird looking, mustached, TV private investigator, circa 1990) but I didn't really burst many brain cells figuring out who could be the culprit.

I highly doubt they're reading, but if they are (and I say "they" in the plural sense) - grow the hell up.

Why the silly games? Lord only bloody well knows, when I start to understand the workings of this, then I'll know I've stooped hideiously low, so good thing I don't understand. For a short while there I thought I'd been transported back in time to primary school.

So anyway, normal service has been resumed, Facebook have been informed, fake profile removed, and thanks to my friend, it's sorted.

So imposters discussed and over with, let's move onto the positive.

I got another writing assignment! Happy days.

All this writing about summery, beachy places is giving me majorly itchy feet though. I can't wait for summer. Actually, when I woke up Monday morning and saw this strange circular, bright light in the sky, I wondered what it was. Turns out it was the sun, and it's been shining quite a lot this week. It's stopped now, of course, we only get a few days at a time, and that's probably English summer over with now. I got my legs out though, I blinded the masses. Actually, that's probably why the sun's gone in .....

It's true what they say though, the sun shining really does make you feel better, I've felt like i've had a spring in my step this week, and I don't actually know why. Nice feeling though.

You're waiting for the weekly disasterous love life update aren't you?

Well obviously imposter me has a better time of it in that department, people "like" her status. Mind you, she's probably been off slapping about with all manner of randoms, and I, on the other hand, have not. Thankfully.

So the stalker - still stalking. I shouldn't call him that really, he's not a stalker in the figurative sense, he doesn't turn up at my house and hide in the bushes or anything. But yeah, still not giving up. Still trying to convince me to give it a go. I'm still telling him the same as I have done all the other fifty thousand times - No. I'm beginning to wonder if he comes from some planet where 'no' actually means 'yes'. I'm not going to try saying the opposite though, things might get a bit confusing.

I did have a little progress though, not in the sense of anything actually happening, but in that for the first time since I met the boy (remember him? Turkish dude, questionable motives), well I actually saw someone and thought 'yeah I actually could really like him', amongst other things. So that's got to be positive. Of course said dude is coupled up, so no chance there. I really do have bad taste in men.

So anyway, the real me is signing off now, not the fake me. The real me has articles to write.

Ciao for now!

Juggling with a pineapple, and other weird events

As I sit here drinking my yummy double choca mocha, I know for the first time all week, I am actually safe. Well, kind of, I suppose said drink could decide to throw itself all over my netbook, but other than that, yes, quite safe.

Why? I hear you ask. Have I been chased across the shire by gangsters? Am I being stalked (well sort of, but we'll get to that later)? No. I have turned into officially the clumsiest person in the world this week.

Now, I'm not normally like this, but this week for some unknown reason, I am disaster central. The first incident was very narrowly averted, and thank god, because it could have been bloody expensive. Let's just say that pineapple in a box with juice + new iPhone = do not mix. On the plus side, it smells nice. On the even bigger plus side, it's still working. Can you imagine the bill to have that fixed?! Makes me shudder even thinking about it.

I've had stumbles, twisted ankles, twisted knee, spillages, dropping stuff, walking into doors (yes really, with no vodka involved), and not being able to get my words out. So I've decided I'm hormonal. And that shall be my excuse for every single mistake I make ever, every falling out I have and anything else I deem it necessary to blame it on. Perfect excuse. You can't help your hormones.

So aside from being a walking disaster, albeit smelling rather fruity, I've been mostly falling out with a woman I've never met on eBay. This is actually nothing to do with hormones, and everything to do with ..... well, I don't know what, but it's not good. Now, I'm about to start ranting, so bear with me, but why, oh why is it okay for someone to claim they've never received the item you sent and get their money back because of it, but I can't defend myself?! I didn't have a leg to stand on (that's a saying by the way, not another of my clumsy episodes), and now this person who I've never met, and quite frankly don't want to meet, has a really nice top free of charge. I am without a really nice top and a fiver worse off. How does that work?! Then! Then someone decided not to pay me, yet that's alright, they can get off scott free, literally, just because they didn't bother answering the dispute. Erm, how come eBay can take a fiver out of my account and force the issue, but they can let this non-paying person get away with it?! It's a world-wide injustice I tell you. I hereby declare that I shall not be selling anything on eBay ever again.

Of course, I've said this many times before and always done it again .....

But anyway. Rant over.

The love life is still dire. It's like a weekly update that never changes this, but semi-stalker is still at it. I'm ignoring him now, I've decided it's the way forward. I tried to be nice, I tried to explain why I didn't want to go and look at his artwork, literally, but he was having none of it. I tried telling him I was mentally scarred by the ex, didn't work. I even tried telling him I was going to a convent because of previous bad experiences - nothing. So I've lapsed into silence and shall stay that way until he gets the message. This could take some time by the looks of it.

Where do I find these people?!

On the plus side, I've been holiday clothes shopping this week. Yes, again, don't roll your eyes. I'm on a mission to have a totally different look to last year's jollies - this is a new start. Yes, last year's escapades were amazing, wonderful in many ways, but this is a new year, and deserves several new maxi dresses and a few playsuits. Unfortunately it seems the Great British Highstreet, doesn't want me to have several maxi dresses and a few playsuits, because they either sell out or want to squeeze me into a size 6 - yeah, hilarious, never gonna happen. So it seems online shopping and (whisper the world quietly) eBay is the way forward. My bank balance is groaning, it seems trying to pay it off whilst adding to it doesn't work, hmmm, funny that. On the brighter side, at least I'll look nice.

So anyway, as it seems I've managed the last hour sat here without any major disaster happening, I think I'll test the theory and venture outside .... wish me luck.

Around the world in 600 words

Oooooh big news, big news!! I, yes, little old me, am now a freelance travel writer. And get this, I've actually earnt money for it. Yes, it may be peanuts but I don't care, someone has actually paid me to write at long last. So I can't be that crap then, surely?! I'm ridiculously excited, I don't think you understand what this means to me, wooohooo!

Anyway, when I finally stopped grinning, I got down to business and did some writing, and seriously enjoyed it. So who knows, fingers crossed some more assigments come my way.

I don't want to speak too soon, and touch wood and all that, but I think things might be looking up. I'm feeling quite positive, and I like it. I think this has a lot to do with the sun finally deciding to shine. This also goes some way to proving that I certainly need to go and live somewhere hot and sunny. It's obviously a medical need, I mean when the weather starts affecting your health and mood, you have to take notice.

One thing that certainly is not looking up however, is love life disaster central. Oh my days, when will it ever end? Disaster after disaster, in fact, I'm not trying anymore, sod it, Mr Right can find me, I'm done trying, all I ever find are nutters. The current walking disaster has took it up on himself to "save me". This is all very well and good, but I wasn't really aware I needed saving. I'm running out of excuses, soon I'm just going to have to be painfully honest and say 'look mate, I'd rather saw my own arm off with a rusty butter knife', or words to that effect. I've even tried the old 'it's not you, it's me, I'm just not over my ex', because really I wouldn't be completely lying, but that just led to the infamous 'I'll save you' line. Best way to deal with this? Ignore. Yep, I am a coward.

I went out with my mate the other night for tea. It was meant to be a nice little sociable gathering, and to a degree it was - enter stage left half a lager and lime. Regular readers will know that I am not a hardened drinker. I try, lord knows I try, but I am, and always will be, a lightweight. This has it's advantages - cheap nights out. But anyway, hello gobby Nicky. In my defence, I had reason to get a little defensive. My friend made some quip about me still living at home, in a not particularly favourable way. Now don't get me wrong, yes, I would rather have my own house somewhere, with no bills to pay and a nice easy life but unfortunately life isn't like a Hollywood film. Nor do I need a man and a mortagage to make me a whole person, I do a good enough job of that as it is, thank you very much.

So anyway, when I may have normally bit my lip and silently seethed for a little bit, well instead I snapped her head off then silently seethed for a bit. Am I wrong in getting a bit annoyed though? I suppose you should know that said friend is engaged, living with her fella and planning a family. She is 5 years younger than me. Am I bothered? No. I won't go into the whys and wherefores but let's just say her life isn't my idea of fun, and I'm sure my life isn't hers either. I'm also sure she won't mind me pointing this out, because I would say exactly the same thing to her face. However, what she fails to understand that I'm currently in a little planning stage for the next chapter of my life, and really it isn't her place to judge - carry on debating the colour of your new curtains love.

Phew, rant over.

Anyway, onto less controversial subjects. Have you been watching the new series of Take Me Out? Remember I was offered an audition but didn't go? Well thank god for that is all I can say. Have you seen some of the munters coming down that lift? I don't think it would have helped my disasterous love life in the slightest.

See, I must have known.

When did it all get so complicated?!

Hello stranger. It's been a while. How've you been?

I've had writer's block, that's my excuse. It's hideous. Especially when you're trying to write a book. I've had to force myself to try, and sitting in front of a laptop with a flashing cursur and nothing flowing is just ... eurgh. I'm surprised I've got any hair left, and don't get me started on the state of my lip with all the chewing. Thank god for Carmex is all I can say. Because of this I've been eating my body weight in chocolate and it seems my body in turn has decided it wasn't heavy enough to start with, so it figured it ought to make a bit more room. Joy. Yeah, the diet starts tomorrow.

I've also had my first rejection since I decided to start this writing thing seriously. It got to me for a bit actually, I don't like criticism - who does? I take it too personally, I'm a sensitive little flower - apparently it's something to do with the cancerian in me. But then I read something about writing and rejection going hand in hand, and I figured that hey, that must make me a writer, and isn't that what I wanted all along? So I am a rejected writer, officially. Raise your glasses. 

So what's been going on whilst my brain has lost it's ability to make me write? Erm, not a lot really.

Actually, that's a lie, I've had progress. Good, positive progress, and it's about bloody time too.

I think all those years reading Cosmo may finally have paid off, because yes, finally I am a strong, independent woman! Or something like that anyway.

I think it's something to do with age, which isn't a good realisation to have when you're five months off being 30. But anyway, remember the boy? My gorgeous, exotic but totally clueless when it comes to women, boy? Remember how he managed to almost snap me in two emotionally? Well, y'know what, it's true what they say about time being a healer. I think I'm okay. Sort of. Well, I'm getting there anyway. It still hurts, I still care, but it's fine. The true test will come in summer when I will have to be restrained by my friends and anyone else I come into contact with, and also avoid wine because if you know me at all, you'll know that wine makes me do bad, bad things. The last time I drank wine, I ended up belly dancing in front of a room full of strangers, wearing someone else's bra. Not one of my finest moments.

Being hurt and a tad bit heartbroken has made me realise what I do and don't deserve, and the way I should be treated. I guess I should thank him really, sort of anyway, because he's taught me my value. It's also taught me that next time, and let's face it, I'll get hurt again at some stage in my future, I will do it a little more quietly and not moan and groan, cry and snot on anyone that cares to listen. I got sick of hearing me, so I guess everyone else did. I apologise. Blame him, I do, for most things actually. I find it quite therapeutic.

Carrying on with the positive theme - I have a new obsession. Paying off debts. Yeah, I know, yawn. It's hideous but oh so fulfilling. This is because with every little thing I pay off, I take one step closer to where I want to be. And if that's not progress, then I don't know what is. I've got a few more steps to go, but I'm closer than I was a year ago. Aren't you proud?!

Despite all this debt paying, I've managed to have a little break in it and I've booked my first summer holiday of the year. How many are there going to be? Lord knows. There was only meant to be one last year, and look what happened there. But anyway, I have to wait a few months - boo. I figure I'll have earnt it by then though, what with all this being sensible lark - I intend to be anything but sensible when I jet off to the sun. Bring on the Efes. Let's not bring on a stamped all over heart though, eh?

But y'know what - tears, wailing, upset aside, I don't regret a second, it made me smile at the time. I'd do it all again ..... oh good lord, that doesn't bode well. You know what I mean though, right?

So anyway, mind away from a few thousand miles east (which it's not very often away from if I'm honest), I've come to the conclusion that when you hit 25 and move upwards (eeek), having a social life gets suddenly very complicated. This is something I've learnt lately.

I'm sure a few of you can appreciate what I'm saying here, that suddenly you reach a stage where most of your friends, if not all, are married, coupled up, sprogged up, about to be sprogged up, trying to be sprogged up, or somewhere other than where you are. I am at the stage where my friends are all of the above. This makes meeting up incredibly complicated. "Fancy a catch up" suddenly becomes a minefield of clashing commitments, childcare arrangements and checking with the fella. Before you know it, you're planning a drink four weeks in advance. What happened to spontaneity? A few years ago, "fancy a catch up" would usually end with meeting up about four hours later and working our way through the cocktail menu at Yates, whilst discussing the pros and cons of Rimmel's new nail varnish collection and what to do about that cute guy at the bar.

I miss spontaneity and I miss my girly nights out.

Damn you upcoming 30th, you're making me think about what has gone and passed, and making it incredibly hard to look at what is to come without thinking "oh my god, I should be (insert here) married/attached/travelling/living somewhere exotic/doing something exciting by now", and "oh my god, it's only 10 years til I'm 40!"

Oh good lord, someone pass me the wine ......